Posted on August 20, 2008 by dumpedbyahallucination
Well, the hour of truth draws nearer, so I draw further away. Literally. I’m sleeping round Tana’s tonight and going to school in a big huddle tomorrow, so we’ve got moral support for results time (9 AM), and going out in the evening. Meaning, basically, that when there’s a Suzanne-shaped gap on this blog it’s due to my being out raving (sure, sure) not to my being comatose on my bedroom floor after ODing. Hopefully. So I’ll post my results on Friday.
We’ve got plans for this afternoon. We’re gonna play Sims 2.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: exams, gcse, raving, results day, sims, sims 2 | 4 Comments »
Posted on August 16, 2008 by dumpedbyahallucination
What I touched on briefly in the last post needs to be expanded. I’ve been promising it for months, now, ever since I started DBAH up. I don’t want people to hate me or think I’m boasting or whatever, because I don’t think I deserve your hate and I’m not boasting. If things weren’t this way for me I likely wouldn’t be this way, either, so…
Well. Here goes.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: a*, art, born smart, british education system, camhs, cleverclogs, dbah, dictation, entrance exam, exams, gcse, grammar school, handwriting, hatred, homonyms, homophones, infants school, intelligence, junior school, maths, music, NOT boasting, numeracy, peer group, pressure, primordial soup, psychosis, science, senior school, spelling tests, story, textbooks, the selecter, writing | 6 Comments »
Posted on August 12, 2008 by dumpedbyahallucination
If you’d happened to meet me in person any time from mid-April to mid-May of this year, you’d have been meeting a very strange kid. Leading up to and during my GCSE period, I was veering off into high-functioning psychosis (‘high-functioning’ – it makes me sound like a value-for-money second-hand car), and I’ve realised that I’ve only ever given vague, tantalising snippets to illuminate my own special brand of madness. I want to be serious about it because I haven’t been serious about anything for a while, and it deserves something slightly less flippant than what’s underneath the Read More tab, but hey. But hey, flippancy’ll do for now.
Therefore, herein lies my flippant record of public weirdness, to be hopefully followed by a less flippant version at some unknown point in the future.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: april, camhs, chemistry, everest, exam, exams, ferns, flippancy, flowers, gcse, high functioning psychosis, illegal drugs, indie label, invigilator, laura marling, madness, may, medication, my manic and i, netball, psychiatric medication, psychosis, schizophrenia, second hand car, sex, tantalising, tourette's, venus fly trap, visual hallucinations, weirdness | 2 Comments »
Posted on June 9, 2008 by dumpedbyahallucination
So, this is stuff I keep forgetting about.
- In my History exam the other day I heard somebody screaming F**k off! I practically jumped out of my seat and my pulse went flying up to the ceiling, and I twisted round in my seat and stared all round the hall to see who’d said it, and what the invigilator was gonna do about it, and why the person had decided to scream it in the first place. Well… no prizes for guessing that nobody else had heard it, and the invigilator started watching me suspiciously, because after all, this was a GCSE, and I was looking round the room instead of at my paper.
- I keep hearing phones going off in the exam hall. I keep getting angry at people after the exam and demanding to know why anyone was allowed their phone on in that exam. People keep telling me that no phones went off in the exam. Then I keep getting angrier at them, though I don’t know whether it’s because I don’t believe them, I’m embarrassed, or, hell, because I was proven to know less? Maybe.
- I’m having a lot of difficulty relating what’s happening now to my life. Yes, theoretically I know that what is happening is my life, but it just doesn’t seem important, in the grand scheme of things. Like this is all somebody else’s dream. Or my dream – I’m gonna wake up soon and get back to my real life. Nothing I do has an impact, which is good, I like that, because I can do what I like and won’t have to face the consequences. Uh… but I really need to snap out of this before I decide to re-enact one of my night terrors; at school, maybe, with my classmates as the unpaid extras, and then get surprised when the police turn up. (‘But this isn’t real!’ I yell at the police, ‘they don’t exist, they don’t matter!’ And ‘Uh-huh,’ they say, ‘yep, now there’s a defence that’ll stand up in court, get in the car, you murdering freak.’)
- Apparently, it is Very Wrong to ‘use anger to punish’. I’m not sure if I’m misinterpreting what she’s saying, but I get the feeling that’s my technique… I don’t find what you’re saying acceptable to me? I will shoot you down in a storm of fury and then I’ll sulk until you’re sorry. Sulking is probably my number one skill. Rhiannon is usually the one who gets hit by this the worst of everyone I know (this is, of course, Rhiannon of ‘I know everything about bipolar disorder’ fame, so, hey, she deserves it. Joking, I’m joking…).
There’s more that I’ve forgotten, but I’ll leave it there for now. I have two Physics exams on Wednesday to be revising for… God I hate Physics…
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: amnesia, anger, depersonalisation, dream, exams, gcse, history, invigilator, mobile phones, night terrors, physics, police, rage, ringtones, selective amnesia, swearing | 1 Comment »