Posted on December 24, 2008 by dumpedbyahallucination
Because I’m a sucker for flattery I’m back! Briefly! Well, not so briefly, actually; I intended to be brief but it turns out I had more to say than I thought I did, so this isn’t really that brief at all… as you can see, instead of collapsing hard drives across the globe I split it into chunks and put the chunks on pages, and this way it’s like an entire year’s worth of blogging in one post! You’ve got all the ingredients:
- The post where there are several dramatic descriptions of the current state of me
- The charmingly irrelevant anecdote post
- The ‘because no mini-blog is complete without a crappy little bit of self-indulgence…’ post
- The climactic and eagerly anticipated finale post
It’s all there! Contain your excitement!
Anyway, I get the feeling that some people may have given up on the idea that poor old DBAH would ever have another post on it (pessimists! Whatever would have given them that impression?), so tell your friends, tell your mother, tell your ex, rickroll it, spread the word like a Jehovah’s missionary, make the relentless spamming of this post around the internet your New Year’s resolution! It is also an excellent way to improve your karma. Seriously.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: blog, borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, depersonalisation, dissociation, drugs, emotions, god, hallucinations, hate, health, life, mental health, mood swings, paranoia, psychosis, school, self esteem, wordpress | 23 Comments »
Posted on September 18, 2008 by dumpedbyahallucination
I haven’t eaten very much lately. Where possible I’ve avoided breakfast and lunch. I’ve eaten suppers because I have to eat with my family. At school, I save up my lunch money and now, as a side effect, I’m richer than I’ve ever been. I feel hideously, cripplingly guilty to be hiding my parents’ money from them, so I think I may slip all or some of it back into my father’s wallet when he’s not looking, and let him figure out where it came from.
I’m not sure why I’m doing this. I sit with Danny while she has her school dinner, and tell her I ate my sandwiches in the common room before I came to see her. I sit with Rhiannon while she eats her carrot shaving and I tell Tana I had school dinner with Danny in the lunchroom before I came to the common room. When someone asks me, which they will sooner or later because I suppose someone will catch me in a lie, I can deny it vehemently. I have always been so vociferously opposed to Rhiannon’s stick-like figure and attention-seeking food-denying exploits that surely no one will disbelieve me.
But I don’t know why I’m doing it. Maybe if I did it’d be worth it. I’m not hungry – I was the first day or so, but now I get by fine. I’m not fat, and I never have been. And I don’t think I’m fat, either. Well, not usually I don’t. Someone left a book on eating disorders on my table in the library the other day and so I read it, because it was either that or stop procrastinating and actually do some Latin homework, and apparently starving is a way of expressing my hidden emotions. What are these hidden emotions of mine?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: alton towers, anger, attention, borderline personality disorder, creative, eating disorder, emotional blackmail, emotions, friends, genitive case, health, jane eyre, jealousy, life, oblivion, original, panic attacks, physics, possessiveness, school dinners | 21 Comments »
Posted on September 9, 2008 by dumpedbyahallucination
• Flavor of meals no longer gives a feeling of pleasure or distaste
• Smell of things no longer gives feeling of pleasure or dislike
Not really applicable…
• Being able to stare into space much more easily
• No emotions felt when weeping or laughing
Ain’t that the honest truth…
• Unable to feel affection towards family and friends
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: blunt affect, deja vu, depersonalisation, depersonalisation disorder, emotions, health, laughing, no emotions, pain, robotics, science, weeping | 10 Comments »