Stumble It!
Because I’m a sucker for flattery I’m back! Briefly! Well, not so briefly, actually; I intended to be brief but it turns out I had more to say than I thought I did, so this isn’t really that brief at all… as you can see, instead of collapsing hard drives across the globe I split it into chunks and put the chunks on pages, and this way it’s like an entire year’s worth of blogging in one post! You’ve got all the ingredients:
- The post where there are several dramatic descriptions of the current state of me
- The charmingly irrelevant anecdote post
- The ‘because no mini-blog is complete without a crappy little bit of self-indulgence…’ post
- The climactic and eagerly anticipated finale post
It’s all there! Contain your excitement!
Anyway, I get the feeling that some people may have given up on the idea that poor old DBAH would ever have another post on it (pessimists! Whatever would have given them that impression?), so tell your friends, tell your mother, tell your ex, rickroll it, spread the word like a Jehovah’s missionary, make the relentless spamming of this post around the internet your New Year’s resolution! It is also an excellent way to improve your karma. Seriously.
Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: | blog, borderline, borderline personality disorder, bpd, depersonalisation, dissociation, drugs, emotions, god, hallucinations, hate, health, life, mental health, mood swings, paranoia, psychosis, school, self esteem, wordpress
So… she’s back. Shoulda known then the forum changed names
Suzy: there’s only one DBAH… though I changed it before I got Hannah’s comment.
You’re back! Awesome.
Suzy: I am both of those.
Forget that manger stuff. This is the real miracle.
Suzy: and I don’t know why anyone would say otherwise.
Page 2 – Right ho, I don’t want to be patronising but I’m going to be patronising, OK? OK. I think this ‘sit in the corner’ stuff is actually pretty universal, normal experience for someone your age. Once you get to university and start drinking your liver into an early grave it gets a lot easier, trust me. Poss it’s very inappropriate of me to say that to a 15 year old – don’t start downing shots of sambuca before double maths or anything – but it’s true.
Page 3 – if you like, I’ll send you my rejected story. The lead character is a CORPSE. Who says I’m emotionally distant?
Page 4 – I’m two years away from 30 (fuck, fuck, how did that happen?) and when I log into your forum I feel positively CREEPY, like I’m eavesdropping in some sort of non-sexual peeping tom paedophile way (if that makes sense.) BUT I don’t get that feeling from reading your blog. Despite your [patronising] teenage issues [/patronising] you write very maturely. And I do get what it’s like to feel left out. I was in the same position as Alex is now – everyone had gone off to uni, except me, and their self-absorption was understandable but annoying. Btw, the only other school-going blogger I can think of is Mariah of the suicide list.
And I, er, can’t remember what page 5 was about. I have no short-term memory thanks to anti-depressants. (And if I navigate away I’ll lose the comment.) Hang on…
Suzy: I don’t find that patronising, but I don’t like the drinking reference… most of the kids I know are already determined to drink themselves to early graves (I thought the Mail’s fright stories about a generation of bingers were so much hot air until this year) and I’m having difficulties (at school, hell yeah) refraining from murdering Rhiannon when she gets going about how drunk she gets, she was smashed last night, omigod it’s so embarrassing… if it’s so awful don’t do it you self-obsessed chunk of vanity… but OK, that’s a whole other incendiary matter, nuff said. (And it’s OK, I dropped Maths.)
A story rejected from where?
I feel left out my forum too.
I don’t think anyone feels included in it. I want to delete it. I HAAAAATE IT… but I’ll get over it soon, I expect, and regret it.
Such is life.
*solemn face*
Page 5 – My cover was blown this week. I’ll fill you in later. It’s uh, yeah … I’m going to start swearing again.
Suzy: oh my. Fill me in post haste!
Oh, and MERRY CHRISTMAS and that xx
Suzy: YOU ALSO and stuff.
I’m still 17! I’m not leaving you until September at least. Merry Christmas
Suzy: well, thank you very much for that!
Merry Xmas Suzy,
It’s good to hear your words springing from the ethersphere. If I can manage to cast my poor tired brain back somewhere between 21 and 35 years ago in the near future I will, and I’ll let you know with a comment here… but suffice to say my nickname at school was Rabid David. And I spent rather too much time cross-legged with my hands on my head in the headmaster’s office.
Anyway, have a good one. Even if you don’t feel like xmas (again) it can always be a welcome distraction. For the first time ever, we are simply our family. No in-laws, no parents, no siblings. Just us. So far it’s been wonderfully peaceful.
Strange how it is looking at the age 37 from when I was 15… Scary how looking backwards from 37 to 15 feels, i.e. not much different. Take care eh?
And again, since I’ve rambled, season’s greetings etc!
Dx
Suzy: no way no way, I love Christmas! I live for Christmas! And tinsel especially! I remembered with a shock last week that this time last year I tried to impractically kill myself and it all seems a very peculiar idea… that was me? I did that? But… why would I do that?
See, I rambled too, to keep you company. Thank you for those greetings!
oops that should have been 21 to 32 years ago! I wasn’t that much of a genius to go to school at the age of 2…
Take care D
and Nadolig llawen!
Suzy: they said the Welsh in the Gavin & Stacey Christmas special, I got the biggest cheesiest grin when I heard it.
(Yeah, just like that…)
Yeah!!!!
Suzy: innit!!!!
How come it took me so long to find the links to pages?
Hmm.
About school age people, what about em, eccedentesiast?
Suzy: eh? What pages?
She’s the same age as Hannah, isn’t she? Did A-levels last year?
>>I don’t like the drinking reference
Ha, thank God you said that because I am RESPONSIBLE ADULT FAIL. People like Rhiannon are even more annoying when they’re drunk, unfortch
Having a couple of drinks can be a good way to unwind in social situs. The keyword there being a couple, not getting titfaced. But not when you’re 15 obv *cough* And don’t do drugs. Or maths.
For other stuff, check my bfb blog and yer forum. All revealed.
Suzy: ah, see, I just don’t check that forum of mine enough.
And have you lately developed a passion for abbreviating things…? Things as in everything?
HURRAH!
Suzy: indeed!
Emma is a year below me and Han :s
And the links at the bottom like 12345…. I didn’t know they existed!
Suzy: oh dear one, I didn’t mean to imply you were younger than Hannah too…
Huray for the christmas spectacular. And you raised some good points about this beeing a dark place. Its very easy to feel isloated here (and on your forum) Anyway. Looooove Hannah X
Suzy: delete the forum.. delete the forum… Anyway back at you. Hello again.
>>And have you lately developed a passion for abbreviating things…?
Y
Suzy: o
Good to see you back! I’ve missed reading your blog even though it’s just taken me ages to spot the pages 1234…
And… *waves hand in air* Sixth former (AS levels) over here!
Suzy: whoo, same year as me! Of course, now I remember thinking you were a real-life friend of mine…
I Come Here to Destroy!
New fiction from the hinterlands.
http://maxwelljay.wordpress.com/
Sit in the car and watch them load it up. Probably hate me by now. As though I’m faking it or something. There; she just shot an evil in my general direction.
Moving the eyeballs is okay, just about. The neck though, is not. Like it’s been frozen in its place; icy crystals piercing the sinew and flesh, stretching the nerve endings until they shriek their pain signal to the brain. But no; must be faking that.
And there’s my feet. Been numb ever since.
So I couldn’t go on their precious walks or anything.
It’ll be fun at the airport though. It’ll be fun when they have to push me onto the plane in a wheelchair.
Never been in a wheelchair before.
Suzy: hello; I approved your comment because I looked at your blog and I’m really not sure what to make of it (spam? literary? word salad?). So – benefit of the doubt! If you check back here, would you explain please? Thank you!
Suzy.
New fiction is what it is it is.
Suzy: new fiction being published? Am I getting an excellent preview here?
It’s harder than it seems to stay away. It’s an addiction. As if the problem-free smiley face life is a good housewife, and the dark depressive world of blogging is a bad mistress… Or wait, that could just be me and my weird 6.37am thoughts again.
Laterz.
Suzy: yep, could just be you.
Do you have much past experience with bad mistresses?
Happy New Year Ms Suzy Robinson!!!
Lola x
Suzy: why thank you! Happy new year, Ms Lola Snow!
Can’t wait to read more…
Suzy: well, thank you – but you may be waiting a while…
Well, I’m really late! I did see this in my Reader but only just got around to readig it. The 5 pages scared me off a bit…
Er, the only thing I can think of to say is that I feel like a blog outsider a lot too. Mental Health? Not really. Christian stuff, sometimes, but not really lately. General random crap – yep, that’s me. But I think fitting in is for wimps anyway.
Hope life is treating you well.
Suzy: yeah, I was quite scared too when I saw how much I’d written.
It’s been a long time – thank you for stopping by again! I really appreciate it.