Probably better point out that I’m putting this on timed release as a bit of an experiment… so if it acts up funny, tell me, please. Thanks!
I was trying to read the latest post at BPD in OKC and my mother came in behind me. Our internet connection is in my parents’ office, which used to be our dining room, and the computer is on the end of a table down one wall, so when you’re at the computer your back is to the door. It’s partly my innate paranoia and partly heightened paranoia because I remember my psychotic paranoia, but I can’t let anyone see what I look at on the computer. OK, so maybe this is because I’m not allowed to have Myspace/Bebo/Facebook and I don’t want to be caught using them, and also because I have not put up a large banner on my school locker saying I went crazy so I read crazy sites and so I don’t want kids at school catching me reading a site that says The Secret Life Of A Manic Depressive across the top in a huge banner however wonderful a blog it is (and it is), and also because I try to keep my parents out of that part of my life – whatever it is, I immediately shut down the internet.
My mother did a bit of “Suzanne, I don’t like it when you do that,” because she’s convinced I have a social networking account, scourge of the devil that they are.
I got twitchy and said “I just get twitchy.”
“You shouldn’t have to.”
“But I do.”
She carried on being awkward and annoying and finally I started shouting that I hated sitting with my back to the door, I couldn’t do it, and windows, I never sit near a window, not in school not never, and then I burst into tears and carried on shouting and she looked all upset and scared and said she didn’t want to upset me, did I know I could talk to her about anything, anything at al that was worrying me? And then she went upstairs and I heard her do a bit of crying too, and then she came back and asked tentatively if ‘there’s been anything happening… like before?’ I said no in my best ‘I’m a bad liar’ voice and cried a bit more, acting defensive. She went away, looking crushed and feeling helpless. And I was free to use the computer.
Is this a sign of a born liar? I can be sobbing and crying and making like I’m collapsing in front of her, acting like I’m trying so hard just to keep myself together, playing all mysterious-like with non-existent psychosis – and inside I’m just irritated because she won’t shut up? All I wanted was to get her out the room and let me keep reading, so I staged an emotional breakdown.
I made my mother cry to get her out the room. No, nothing doing…
I have hinted to my mother that I am possibly psychotically paranoid to get her out the room. Nope…
I feel like I ought to feel something about this, but I don’t. I’m just pissed off she wouldn’t leave me alone, smug that I got her out, and confused that I don’t feel some huge remorse over it.